Opinionist: An Open Letter to the Kids in My Neighborhood

On Sundays, Houstonist runs opinion pieces relevant to life in Houston. The opinions expressed below are entirely those of the author.

Dear Trick or Treaters,

Happy Halloween, kids! Whether you're dressing up as a sweet princess, scary devil or local political candidate (hurry - long, black dusters and plastic cigars are almost sold out), there are some rules you'll need to follow in order to earn your treat on Halloween night.

One: You MUST have a costume. You cannot just walk up to the door with a plastic Kroger bag and expect candy. We are making an exchange, you and I, an exchange that includes you wearing something adorable or scary. In return, you will receive three pieces of candy. And we're not talking about that crappy candy sold at the dollar store in the five-pound bag. This is the good stuff (little Snickers, mini Kit Kat, individually-wrapped Twizzlers). I want you to have the best. Also, I will eat whatever is left over.

Two: You must be able to walk under your own power. If you are so young that you only have one tooth and your parents are carrying you around in a ladybug outfit, in which you are asleep, you (they) will not get the candy. And please note that this is just the beginning of your parents using you to further their own agenda. Watch out for beauty pageants, acting classes and language lessons.

Three: if you are old enough to hold down a job on the weekend, if you have facial hair, if you are legally driving your own vehicle, you will not get the candy. And shouldn't you be egging someone's house or playing with a ouija board on Halloween anyway?

Trick or treating is a great opportunity to dress the way you've (secretly) always wanted, eat a bunch of sugar without getting in trouble and go up to strangers' doors and demand satisfaction. Just remember to stay away from the creepy house at the end of the block.

Yours,
Crystal

Photo: flickr user CodeFin.

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