Opinionist: Voting

On Sundays, Houstonist runs opinion pieces relevant to life in Houston. The opinions expressed below are entirely those of the author.

This Tuesday (November 7) is Election Day. This means only two more days of those terrible TV commercials – the ones with the booming voiceover and no discernable ties to reality.

My opponent, Bob Smith, likes children. In fact, he likes them a lot. He may have eaten a child in his twenties while visiting friends overseas. He can’t be completely held responsible for his actions because of the drugs he was taking at the time. Having committed both patricide and matricide, a drug addiction was the only escape from his tortured conscience.

Political ad paid for by the Death to Bob Smith Coalition. The reports of Bob Smith eating children and killing his parents may not be true. Then again, I’ve never met Bob Smith’s parents or his children. Have you?

I’d almost rather watch Anna Nicole Smith discuss her views about string theory than have to see any more of these things.

But beyond the I-feel-like-I-need-to-wash-my-hands campaigning we have to endure every election season, going to the polls is energizing. You’re doing your civic duty and participating in the democratic process. You're standing in line with your neighbors, knowing that your vote will cancel out that of the jerk who lives a few doors down from you and has covered his yard with signs for the other guy. You’re spinning a little plastic wheel with your thumb to make your selections…

Okay, so the electronic voting machines are not nearly as satisfying to use as the hole-punch system or the old school pull-the-lever system. Those two methods really had a nice sense of finality to them. You made your choice and BOOM. Finished. Spinning the plastic wheel is just not that exciting. Pushing END and then ENTER and then walking away doesn’t feel the same.

It would be nice if they installed levers next to each electronic voting machine. The levers wouldn’t have to actually do anything except make the all-important cuh-chunk sound. They would give you the sense of finality and consequence that you really need for a complete voting experience.

Even using a stapler would help. Maybe I’ll bring one on Tuesday. I'll finish my selections and then smack the top of the stapler, attaching the little paper slip they gave me when I signed in to the cheat sheet I brought to avoid voter stage fright. It won’t be the same, exactly, but it’ll do.

Photo: flickr user CodeFin.

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