Opinionist: It's the Thought That Counts (Not Really)

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So it’s Christmas Eve, and you aren’t done with your shopping. Sure, you’ve carefully wrapped a present for your mother that is so amazing it will remove the memory of every bad gift she’s ever received, and your kids each have their own Play Station XVIII. But you still have to buy for your loudmouth sister and your jerk-face brother-in-law and a host of random relatives who never cross your mind the other 360 plus days of the year.

Soon you will be forced into crowded living rooms and overly-warm kitchens with these people, having to breathe their onion-dip breath while they force you to sing Christmas carols and make small talk. Then comes the three hours of present opening. You can almost hear the inevitable, disappointed "Oh...thank you. It's very...unusual" that follows the unveiling of a gift that you spent hours agonizing over. This year, try something different. Buy the imperfect gift for each of the personality types in your family.

The Guide to Last-Minute Passive-Aggressive Gift Giving

The Martha Stewart (pre-prison) – Leisure Learning Cooking 101 class
Tired of eating bizarre little foods created by the family member who thinks he’s pushing the culinary envelope? Leisure Learning offers various beginner-level cooking classes that are sure to insult Martha Jr.’s sensibilities and will probably secure your removal from the dinner party invite list.

The Drama Queen – Nothing
Beautifully wrap an empty box. When the dramatic one in your family opens the box to find nothing inside, make a huge deal out of the fact that you purchased the “perfect” gift but must have forgotten to put it inside and it’s so inexcusable it must be because you’ve been working long hours lately and you've been distracted by the mole on your leg that’s probably nothing but you never know remember the neighbor who died of cancer of course it wasn’t skin cancer but still. Drone on and on until the drama has been sucked out of the room, then say, “Remind me to get your address before we leave so I can mail you your present.” Shortly after that, leave without getting the address.

The Fashion Maven – “Fancy” sweatshirt
A quick trip to the dollar store should provide you with multiple cheap, fugly sweatshirts featuring kittens or holiday motifs or nature scenes (which also often include a kitten for some reason, even if the image is a snowy mountaintop). For a little added pizzazz, try finding a sweatshirt with a woman’s face on it. With just a few passes of a needle and thread, you can sew an old earring onto the sweatshirt-woman’s ear, giving the shirt a real sense of style. Make sure you tell the recipient “I immediately thought of you when I saw this.” Oh, and make sure it’s at least five sizes too big. Dollar stores should have plenty of shirts in XXXXXL.

The Organizer – Same gift as last year
The anal-retentive person in your family has a spreadsheet that lists each present she’s given and received every year for the past decade and a half. Really. Do you know how crazy it will make her (and her spreadsheet) if you give her the exact thing you gave last year? Especially if the gift is something fairly memorable, such as a set of pink gardening tools?

The Jerk You’re Married To – Divorce papers
Nothing says “get the hell out of my life” like a thick packet of divorce papers served piping hot on Christmas morn. With a convenient online questionnaire, it only takes half an hour to undo a decision you’ve regretted for years. This one is fun to do with a wine buzz Christmas Eve night after the kids have gone to bed and are dreaming of Santa. Oh, and this gift isn’t passive-aggressive so much as it is aggressive-aggressive.

Hopefully this list will inspire you to give your family members the gifts they deserve this year. After all, that’s what Christmas is all about. Right?

Photo: flickr user Crispee.

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