Opinionist: Ask a Dilettante

On Sundays, Houstonist runs opinion pieces relevant to life in Houston. The opinions expressed below are entirely those of the author.

Need to know just a little bit about something? Ask a dilettante.

A lot of people have announced that they’re running for President. Do you have a favorite yet? I'm voting for Zappa. Again.

I do have a favorite. After much deliberation, prayer and consultation with an assortment of lawyers, dog walkers and former child stars, I am pleased to announce that I, Dilettante, am entering the race for President of the United States. My platform? I’ll make the same deal with America that I’ve made with every guy I’ve ever dated.

ONE – I will not see other countries behind your back. TWO – You are free to say whatever you like as long as you don’t talk about my mother. THREE – If we’re in disagreement about an issue, I promise not to start a war in an attempt to distract you. FOUR – If you get sick, I will take you to the hospital, sit next to you in the waiting room, pat your hand, read Field & Stream while you’re seeing the doctor and make sure the bill is taken care of when it’s time to go. FIVE – I will respect your desire to play violent video games as long as you spend an equivalent amount of time playing with puppies, kittens or other baby mammals. SIX – If you insist on driving a large, gas-guzzling vehicle, I will make fun of you. SEVEN – If I fuck up, I’ll admit it.

Dilettante in ‘08.

Last week an 80-something guy in Pennsylvania got a visit from the Secret Service for a letter he wrote to the paper. Then an 80-something lady from Austin called the Ellen DeGeneres show and almost made Ellen piss her pants, she was laughing so hard. What’s stirring up the old folks?

Let’s recap. Dan Tilli, 81, wrote a letter to the editor of his local paper, the Express-Times, about the execution of Saddam Hussein. He completed his letter with “I still believe they hanged the wrong man.” The Feds saw this sentence as a potential threat to the President’s life, so they decided to drop in on Mr. Tilli. Had they done a quick bit of research, they would have found that the man has written more than 200 letters over the years, many to the editor of his local paper and each preserved in a scrapbook. Maybe someone should tell the Secret Service about microfiche. And maybe someone should tell Mr. Tilli that Big Brother is watching (but doesn’t know how to use the library).

As for the old “lady,” a quick view of the clip suggests that Ellen is not, in fact, talking to an 88-year-old woman named Gladys Hardy but is, in fact, talking to one of the guys from Greater Tuna. Some people think the voice belongs to an Austin DJ. What’s wrong with having a comedian pretend to be an old lady? Nothing, as long as it’s acknowledged. One of the main things that makes the conversation so funny is the belief that the caller is a sweet little granny. If you know it’s just a smart ass, middle-aged, male comic, the funny factor goes down. But not all the way. It’s still worth a listen. Especially when he/she says “Honey, I love Jesus, but I drink a little.”

So the old folks aren’t riled up, but everyone else sure seems to be.

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