Houston's Missed Connections: The Devil Wears Prada Works in Houston

In my life I thought that I had been witness to most every low, contemptible, deed imaginable (or had at least read about them), but having witnessed over the last 7+ years in my daily encounters with you, the utter vanity, ego-centrism, egoism and self- interest that I have, I am truly astounded. No, really. Despite the fact that you are one of the highest paid executives in all of Houston, despite your net-worth being in the millions, you re-gift items given to you by foreign JV companies to give to your wife on Valentine’s day; you quaff at tipping a delivery person $2; you demand that I secure for you, upgrades at hotels and on flights without paying for them; you demand that I keep up with when your free perks and points expire so that you can cash in on them before they do (when you and your wife are enjoying your stay at the Jumeriah Essex House in New York this summer, remember me and remember the fact that had it not been for my extraordinary efforts in contacting the President’s office of said hotel chain, you would not be staying there for FREE); you have me doctor up forms and pictures so that your fat ass will not have to go get a picture taken; you provide me with the most minimum of resources (it hurt you to have to pay $217 for a licensing fee for Adobe Writer 7, so I loaded and used my own copy); you want absolutely everything delivered “today”, and then reel when the providing company must charge a delivery fee; you have me phone employee's supervisors when they make you wait a little longer than five minutes for unimportant services such as fixing a lock on a drawer, a light fixture, a blinking phone, etc.; you specifically have me make appointments with people when you know they have personal plans; you demand that I obtain the latest mobile phones (and other items) FREE OF CHARGE from company providers such as Verizon and Cingular not only for yourself, but for your family members; you have me wheedle, persuade, try to convince suppliers for free gifts and special seats; although I have hardly no expenditures, you look over every one (such as the ordering of a necessary waste toner cartridge without which we could not print, despite the fact that you KNOW that I always use the lowest-cost provider for everything ; you ask that I deal with your personal banker so that we can assure that minimal wire transfer and other fees be waived or refunded on your personal accounts; you demand that company personnel be available to assist you in negotiating rock-bottom prices for the two new Mercedes' you bought your daughters; you write your own amounts on taxi receipts; you take your girlfriend out for lunch almost daily, then constantly on your expense reports she becomes industry people whom you haven't seen in months. You pay excellent salaries and bonuses to select individuals (namely your ‘good ol’ buddies’), while at the same time not adequately compensating or even acknowledging others for extraordinary work (no, that is not what this is about, although it would certainly qualify); you were responsible for the removal of employee drinks, and even medicine from the medicine cabinets; you have a pet peeve about being pressed for signature on people’s expense reports, but would rather (quote) "ride other people's money"; you mean to "squash" those who oppose you, have the hugest "God complex" imaginable, and will do absolutely anything to climb the ladder ALL the way to the top. You are a consummate liar, you were untouched when your father died, unconcerned when your mother was sick, were open to using, and used, documents which I made on my computer such as fake HIV tests, immunization records, etc., to travel and so that you would not have to spend money or time in actually having to garner them, and despite all these wonderful traits and actions, you consider yourself a Christian.

You expect me to be at work at 7:30 a.m. and stay until after 7:30 p.m.; you never, ever allow me to take a lunch; when I tell you I absolutely must run an errand, I get the third degree: where, when and how long will I be? As god is my witness (and several people are witness to also), despite the fact that I go to the restroom maybe two or three (at the most) times a day and only for a minute or so, I am required to find someone to cover your phone. And so, when I get the urge, I must call another person who already knows the score: “I need to go to the bathroom, can you watch his phone for two minutes?” At first, when there was no one to cover, I would just wait. Recently though, I’ve just told you that I need to go to the restroom and that there is no one available to answer the phones. Remember when you asked me to reschedule a surgery because we were having a group meeting? I’m sure you don’t. Speaking of time off, notice that I hardly ever take any, and still, despite just every so often taking a vacation day one at a time, you always managed to “lose” my vacation requests? You have never ONCE said happy birthday or happy secretary’s day, you have never offered me a day off. In fact, you expect me to be available 24/7 and will not even pay my cell phone bill. The little daily stunts of telling me “I’ll be right back at 6:00 p.m. and then not showing up until 7:30 or 8:00 p.m., and then innocently looking at your watch and saying: “wow, I can’t believe I kept you so long” got a little lame about three years ago. I especially appreciate the fact that on days preceding Holidays when you were at home with your family and secure in the fact that I had the reigns on everything, and everyone in the company was leaving a little early and I would e-mail to ask if I could also leave at 3:00, you would (without fail), either e-mail back at 2:55 asking me to do just “a couple of things”, or would e-mail me at 3:30 and say “sure”. Thanks for not allowing me to have a parking space that you didn’t even know existed, but once you found out I was parking there, having it given to a guy who DIDN’T even office out of our building! Oh, and despite the fact that I have wanted to transfer away from you for the last few years and have not been allowed to do so, you now recently tried to institute the policy that all admins, regardless of the title they were hired at (mine being Executive something-or-other) all be reverted, company-wide, to “Administrative Assistant”. Sorry, but no. I have suffered long and hard under you. I have striven to go beyond what was required of me and performed each and every day, in every minute detail, to the highest of standards. I have been loyal to a fault, dedicated beyond measure and have had the desire, and most of all the ability, to manage in my position with you for this long. I think that it is a well-known, or at least well-reasoned fact that anyone with lesser capabilities and talents and with any less dedication would not have lasted in it. I also gained a measure of well-earned respect. That is, from everyone but you. I distinctly recall specific instances when on separate occasions, several outside business associates and even competitors, made it a point to address you with regard to my performance and manner. If I remember correctly, M…’s words were: “I have to make specific mention of [me]. In all honesty, I have never dealt with a better admin. She is quick, intelligent and gets things done” – sentiments which were repeated by countless others both within the organization and under you, and outside of the company.

Never once, in these many years, has anyone seen me lose my temper, take on a project that I could not complete or be anything but completely professional.

I guess I could go on, but if I did, this would resemble a booklet more than an open resignation letter. Instead, let me, within the next paragraph, address the minor part of why I am resigning.

It is because I cannot stand what people become once they are involved with you. Many, the ones who are lured with the 'good salaries and extra perks' are too afraid to confront you, disagree with you, present their views to you. Two individuals in particular for whom I had the utmost respect come to mind (one falls into the good salary category, the other, we will get to). The one, the VP of HR, is (I think) in essence, a good person. He is serious, kind and temperate. All this said, he lacks the courage and determination when having to defend a just cause in front of you. He loses luster, and horribly, pathetically, physically even bows his head when he meets with you. You of course eat this up. He loses confidence, presence will and desire. It is what should be the definition of a crying shame. All I wish to do is take a picture of you with your legs propped on top of your marble desk and your hands folded over your fat belly or behind your head while he, red-faced on the other side of your desk, looks at the floor when he speaks to you. If I had indeed taken a picture, I would have posted it along with that form you recently filled out where you listed yourself at 6 ft tall when in reality you are about 5’-10”. Not that 5-10 isn’t great, but it goes to show what an insufferable liar you are and the grandiose view you (erroneously) have of yourself.

The second person is me. I was once an admirable person. In fact, those who know me and have worked with me, are aware that I am one of the most professional and proficient employees anywhere. This is why, even behind your back, your Direct Reports have chosen to provide me glowing reference letters and have OFFERED to be used as references. You see, they have seen first-hand what an extreme loser you are. They have seen my level of work and know that it is us all who carry you. I personally have worked with top individuals from many companies and have not only fit-in, but have excelled. If you ask around the company today, you will have inadvertently heard 99% good things about me. Amongst those good things, the ability to get along with anyone. My adaptability served me well through the years, but perhaps in this case was my downfall because it lulled me into more than 7 years of servitude to an autocrat and potentate such as you, and maybe not too unlike the VP of HR I too was robbed of what I used to be. I however am not paid enough to completely sell myself. In fact, there is not enough money in the world to buy what I am. And what I am is a uniquely qualified individual with an assortment of talents which run the gamut from inter-personal skills, to IT skills, marketing, graphics, languages/interpretation, hospitality, management, administrative and human resource skills and qualifications too great to even enumerate; but mostly, and more importantly, I am not one to continually bow down my head (metaphorically or literally) for anyone except those who deserve it, in which case I do so gracefully. I am not one to constantly feed anyone else's God complex while covering their misdemeanors. I leave that to those who post-date/come-after/follow me. To her/ him/them all, this: I wish for you the courage to do the right thing which is (unless there is immediate change), either get out before you are lost, or be strong enough to never compromise.

Back to 'you'? Well, I need not wish you anything bad, because the laws of life, the laws of most every religion, the laws of karma and ying and yang and every other law of effect teaches that what is reaped, is sowed, what is planted into the earth, grows, what is given is received back sometimes three-fold and that ignorance is not a shield against this cause and effect. That, and to a smaller extent, my confidence that although you lay your head on your pillow at night mostly convinced of your own superiority over that of the rest of humanity’s, that somewhere in the back of your mind, is a lurking fear which nudges you, trying to get your attention. This is what is called a conscience and although malnourished and compromised as it is, it still manages to remind you at times that you really are a person which most everyone despises. That if you were to lose your position tomorrow with no hope of re-securing it, that most everyone you know, would not stop on the street to wish you well. That they would look at you and think: well-deserved, and that that little conscience you sometimes deal with, would have to agree. That your only quality is in making money for a big corporation – the downside? That this quality is directly derived from negating the little people', those who in your eyes do not count, such as admins., field personnel, janitors, the plant people, security people etc., respect and money and turning it into a profit. But, how far does that quality get your soul? No, I have no need to wish that you burn in hell or any other such foul thing, for if the laws of the universe are right, it is already in the cards for you, and if my belief is right that your conscience still exists, then any human would be irked and discomfited by the still, small voice which says:
really, you have no value as a human being.

And so, this is the end of my contact with you, unless the spiteful, hateful, vengeful spirit that so deeply harbors in you chooses to seek retribution in any form or manner for these truths which I have noted here, and in which case I will decisively defend myself in all manner and further reveal more of the endearing qualities which you try so desperately to hide ... even to yourself.

Oh, and one more thing. Just one. If you believe that you treated me fairly in my tenure with you and if you can in all honesty say that I was not the absolute best assistant that you have ever had and will hope to have, then I dare you this: wish a boss such as yourself upon one of your children. Can’t do it, can you?

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Photo: flickr user fd.