Houston's Missed Connections: From produce to reproduction

What's with all the Missed Connections going on at grocery stores this week? Among others, we had a probable stalker at Kroger, a guy who might be jumping the gun a little bit at a Galveston grocery store, and yuppie love at Whole Foods - originally sung by Donny Osmond. You guys need to get your hands on a how-to guide - picking up chicks at the supermarket is supposed to be easy.

You: Red SUV, lost your cat

I walked barefoot to my car to retrieve a book. A red SUV came around the corner. I hesitated to step in the street, lest I get hit.
You stopped and rolled down your window. In the passenger seat: a skinny teen in a crooked hat and a thin, bad mustache. The driver's seat: A big fat guy. You were bald, too.
You told me that you lost your cat in this neighborhood. You wanted to know if I could help you find it.
Sorry, I didn't see any cat!

But... Where the hell do you get off coming into MY neighborhood, to my safe-zone, 40 feet in front of my house to have me "help you find your cat?"
You pieces of shit, do I look stupid enough to hop into your SUV and help you find a cat that never really existed? You think I've never heard about that before? A young girl getting into a car to help two men find a "lost cat" turning into a kidnapping, murder, and rape investigation.

I can't help but imagine what horrors would have occurred had I been stupid and naïve enough to get into your car. I just hope you didn't try again on a younger, less savvy girl.

People like you should freeze in Cocytus. The 9th circle of hell was created for people like you. You're traitors to your fellow guests of this earth. You're worse than Ptolemy. (That's right, I'm referencing Dante in my rail against you. I'll put you in awe with my knowledge of great literature, then kick your ass as you're trying to figure out what "terza rima" is.)

Calling you Neanderthals implies that you walk upright and can use simple tools in your daily life. You aren't that evolved. Go back to your football games, rap music, and butt scratching. A woman should be able to feel safe in her own front lawn. You took something very important from me--my sense of safety. I won't be able to leave my front door without my cellphone and can of mace. I don't even feel safe in my own damn home, a place I've lived since birth.

Be glad I was too offended, mad and sickened to get your license plate number. The police would be on your asses with attempted kidnapping charges by now.

Get your gas guzzling SUV out of my neighborhood.

What a snob. Those guys picked the wrong girl to ask for help. She knows about Dante and she's an environmentalist. Watch out.