Interview: Derek J. Mortimer, Hotelier

Today Houstonist brings you an imagined interview with Derek J. Mortimer, the owner, founder, and visionary behind Hotel Derek. We recently sat down with Mr. Mortimer in the lobby of his flagship hotel to speak with him about his career.

Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Mortimer. Or do you prefer--

--You may address Derek as Derek.

Okay, Derek. Could you talk a bit about what inspired you to go into the hotel business?

Even since his early days as a young babe growing up in cosmopolitan Jersey Village, Derek has been immensely frustrated with level of competence--or should Derek say, incompetence--of those around Derek. Parents, school headmasters, colleagues and coworkers, all seethed with varying levels of insolence. Wishing to purge his life of these horrors and start a new paradigm of amazingness, Derek, in typically Derekian style, decided to rewrite the rules on hospitality and service.

Which as we all know led you to U of H.

Correct. Under the umbrage of the deliciously unorthodox genius of Professor Gunter von Deizinhauser, Derek paved his own path of awesomeness at the Conrad Hilton College of Hotel and Restaurant Management. Many initially scoffed at the breadth and audacity of Derek's ambition. Rather than lashing back at such myopic, unfeeling fools, Derek allowed the subsequent feelings of anger and pride to ferment and fuel the heady vision of the future of hotelery in Houston. With the help of Professor von Deizinhauser and the generous support of a few key believers, Derek was soon ready to begin his masterwork.

We've heard many intriguing and varied explanations, but how exactly did you decide upon the name for your hotel?

Derek initially ran several ideas past the steering committee: Hotel Awesome, Hotel Superlativa, The Hotel, Hotel Olympus, Valhalla Hotel, and so on. None of these really captured the magnitude and essence of Derek's designs, however, so we decided to stop messing around and instead go straight for the real thing: Hotel Derek.
[Mr. Mortimer shouts at a passing busboy]
Garçon! Derek desires une salade niçoise, s'il te plait, maintenant, merci.
Forgive Derek. Derek sometimes wonders if these petty Iscariots are purposefully undermining him with their astonishing sluggishness.

On the topic of betrayal, what are your thoughts on the recent venture of your former concierge and protégée, Zaza Mikhailovna Laquintov? It seems her own efforts have been garnering consistent praise, even from the New York Times. Has there been a falling out between the two of you since?

Derek believes you have overstayed your welcome. Leave at once! I am Derek, and this is my hotel.

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Photo: flickr user mlsnp