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Perhaps the most concise description of a Renaissance Festival (any Renaissance Festival, really) was delivered by Neil Steinberg of the Chicago Sun-Times:
If theme parks, with their pasteboard main streets, reek of a bland, safe, homogenized, whitebread America, the Renaissance Faire is at the other end of the social spectrum, a whiff of the occult, a flash of danger and a hint of the erotic. Here, they let you throw axes. Here are more beer and bosoms than you'll find in all of Disney World.
Steinberg may have been referencing the Bristol Renaissance Faire outside of Kenosha, Wisconsin in his article, but the same statement holds entirely true for our very own Texas Renaissance Festival as well.
And while your definition of "erotic" may not necessarily include men in leather loincloths wearing fur boots and Viking helmets or women dressed as vaguely frightening fairie/bat hybrids, you can rest assured that someone, somewhere (and usual at that very same Renaissance Festival) is finding those things to be highly pertinent to their interests. All you can do is stay out of their way and enjoy the campiness of it all. Anyway, if you're like Houstonist, you're not attending the Ren Fest for the pewter mugs or the chance to date a man who dresses up like an underfed Jack Sparrow on the weekends (the definition of "Renaissance" garb is becoming more liberal every year); you're there for the spectacle of it all.
Now in its 34th year, the Texas Renaissance Festival is -- in true Texas style -- the nation's largest Renaissance Festival. More than a mere campground where overly-enthusiastic D&D fans set up tents and hawk patchouli oil, the Texas Ren Fest is an all-out theme park complete with permanent structures that reside in this patch of country outside Plantersville all year round.
Read on for more...
Although far from historically accurate, the village that the Ren Fest has created is nevertheless fascinating and -- believe it or not -- beautiful. The village itself is enormous; we recommend picking up a map or program to guide you through the different sections (which include, randomly, a Mexican and a Greek section complete with appropriate foodstuffs). Thatched-roof cottages and intricately designed "shoppes" abut one another along endless lanes lined with tall pine trees and thick patches of kudzu and bouganvillea. Loreena McKennitt-esque music filters throughout the festival and mingles with the amusing sounds of the staff's (and patrons') horribly-mimicked English accents. The scent of turkey legs and funnel cakes -- along with pierogi, fried alligator, Wienerschnitzel and Scotch eggs -- leaves you salivating at nearly every turn.
And true to the statement above, there is axe-throwing. There is also knife throwing and ninja star throwing (since every good Renaissance-era village had a few ninjas wandering around it), along with musket and longbow practice, Drench-the-Wench and even a few exotic animals to ride. Be warned, though: the petting zoo is almost entirely populated by goats and the elephant rides last all of thirty seconds.
Which brings us to another question: is the Ren Fest truly for kids? Sure, the kiddos might have a good time getting their face painted or renting a $10 knight costume, but are you going to have as good a time shelling out all that money for the many arcade-style games and other random activities (hair braiding, giant human-powered swings, fake executions, etc.) while exposing your children to adults in extremely questionable outfits? Because we're not talking just fairy princesses, here, folks. We're talking women in chain mail with nothing underneath and men in loincloths with their cheeks swingin' in the breeze.
If Houstonist had children, we would likely only take them to the Ren Fest as a cautionary tale about what happens when you take your membership in the Society for Creative Anachronism too seriously. Ren Fest is, in our minds, a little too "adult-oriented" for most children, despite the promising presence of a "Family Bier Garten." After all, children don't quite understand or appreciate camp, and the Ren Fest has plenty of opportunities for children to be scarred for life.
But if you do decide to head out this weekend, here are a few of our suggestions for activities while you're there:
- Turkey leg crawl. Houstonist found the best turkey legs in the "English" part of the village.
- Falconry show. Beautiful birds of prey on display and in flight; just make sure to hide your pretzel.
- Gawk at people getting married at one of the Ren Fest's five wedding chapels. Yes, we said five.
- Authentic Polish food at Polonia. The pierogi and gołąbki are surprisingly good; make sure to tell them "dziękuję."
- The Washer Women show. Don't sit in the front row.
- Jousting. Nobody calls you a fizzle!
- Axe throwing. Don't even pretend you've never wanted to hurl a sharpened axe at something (or someone).
- Quench your thirst with some authentic mead. Or a Blue Moon. ...yeah, on second thought, we'd recommend the Blue Moon.
Texas Renaissance Festival
FM 1774 between Magnolia and Plantersville
800.458.3435
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A few of us are going this weekend. I'm looking forward to the turkey leg and the scotch eggs more than anything...I think I would be more excited about the beers if they knocked the priced down....
Ahoy Mateys!