Behind the Scenes at Millionaire Auditions

This was the place to be if you were wondering what a sardine feels like. Smart folks brought folding chairs (write that down if you plan to audition like this in the future). Aside from the obvious benefit, the chairs created a slightly larger pocket of personal space that could not be infringed upon thanks to the structure of the chair. In fact, one man who wished to remain anonymous said, "I was tempted to stay in the restroom just for the seat." Amen, brother.

The crowd was extremely diverse and reflected Houston's melting pot very well. The unemployed mingled with elected officials, car salesmen, homemakers and students. In front of us was a recent Rice PhD grad (statistics) and behind us was the Blake Whitaker from Houston Press. Awesome! What are the odds?

We vowed to remain calm in spite of the close quarters and have a good time. A shimmy in either direction resulted in some sort of contact with another human. In fact, we could barely flex our elbow without smacking the elderly lady to our right. At least they're administering the written test 400 folks at a time so this should be over shortly, right? Wrong.

Our group waited semi-patiently for nearly three hours for our magnificent WWTBAM magnet with an identification number on the back. A lot of people read books: almanacs, fiction and children's books on Presidential trivia. Anyone with a smart phone and a signal was heads down fending off emails and phone calls as they arrived.

The producers doled out t-shirts as a way to keep us settled. The process was easy. Answer a question, get a shirt. Even Marlin Perkins would have been amazed at how wild the kingdom got inside the ballroom when the promise of a free t-shirt was put forth. Ladies screamed, and men jostled for position while a few of us kept praying for more AC and a chair.

Standing relatively motionless for over two hours gave us a back ache and flashbacks to our fast food career throwing food out of a drive-thru window. We (that's us and Blake) decided to check out the snack bar since movement of any sort was bound to feel better on our lumbar. The snack bar actually had booze. Unfortunately, we got served Topo Chico instead of the High Life we requested. What the? For future reference, 9 AM = High Life:30 in our book. OK?

Fortunately, we were not depressed for very long as it was test time. The Millionaire staff handed out scantrons and exams. We'd hoped for a blue book and an optional essay question to be Meredith's assistant, but NO DICE. Instead, we got 30 multiple choice general trivia questions for the regular show and 30 questions on movie trivia for movie week. We only needed to pass one for a chance to high-five Regis or (MMMM)Meredith and appear on the tube.

One staffer graded the 800 exams while another awarded t-shirts to the testers in exchange for an impression. The impressions mirrored the group's diversity. Some, like the baby crying performed by a thirty-something lady, were eerily real. An Asian man caused the group to fall-to-pieces with his version of "Go ahead. Make my day." And, a few others got groans. One lady successfully pawned off a flatly delivered "Newman" as a Seinfeld impression.

Thankfully the test results were ready. Drum roll... Houstonist made the cut! Woo hoo!

Forty or so folks from our test session were instructed to complete a written application and return after lunch for a quick interview. The application asked the usual stuff: why do you want to be on the show, what would you do with the money, etc. One question did throw us for a loop, but we handled it. See below.

The interview seemed to be a basic chat to evaluate your personality, sense of humor and to see if you exhibit serial killer tendencies. The years of therapy have helped mask our truly disasterous quirks - just don't look in the basement. We passed and advanced to final screening.

The final step was an on-camera interview. Sure, the interview was the same format as the conference table chat. But, a camera was involved. Unfortunately, the camera was our kryptonite. We think we tanked it. Perhaps next time we can get them to hide the camera behind the TV on a chest-of-drawers.

The Houston group, including Houstonist, an elected official, a former music producer and lost Manhattanite, should receive the final outcome in the mail by the end of the month. We'll keep you posted on our results.

We are now accepting nominations to be our phone-a-friend should we make the show. Drop us a comment to make your case.