This was the place to be if you were wondering what a sardine feels like. Smart folks brought folding chairs (write that down if you plan to audition like this in the future). Aside from the obvious benefit, the chairs created a slightly larger pocket of personal space that could not be infringed upon thanks to the structure of the chair. In fact, one man who wished to remain anonymous said, "I was tempted to stay in the restroom just for the seat." Amen, brother.

The crowd was extremely diverse and reflected Houston's melting pot very well. The unemployed mingled with elected officials, car salesmen, homemakers and students. In front of us was a recent Rice PhD grad (statistics) and behind us was the Blake Whitaker from Houston Press. Awesome! What are the odds?

We vowed to remain calm in spite of the close quarters and have a good time. A shimmy in either direction resulted in some sort of contact with another human. In fact, we could barely flex our elbow without smacking the elderly lady to our right. At least they're administering the written test 400 folks at a time so this should be over shortly, right? Wrong.

Our group waited semi-patiently for nearly three hours for our magnificent WWTBAM magnet with an identification number on the back. A lot of people read books: almanacs, fiction and children's books on Presidential trivia. Anyone with a smart phone and a signal was heads down fending off emails and phone calls as they arrived.

The producers doled out t-shirts as a way to keep us settled. The process was easy. Answer a question, get a shirt. Even Marlin Perkins would have been amazed at how wild the kingdom got inside the ballroom when the promise of a free t-shirt was put forth. Ladies screamed, and men jostled for position while a few of us kept praying for more AC and a chair.

Standing relatively motionless for over two hours gave us a back ache and flashbacks to our fast food career throwing food out of a drive-thru window. We (that's us and Blake) decided to check out the snack bar since movement of any sort was bound to feel better on our lumbar. The snack bar actually had booze. Unfortunately, we got served Topo Chico instead of the High Life we requested. What the? For future reference, 9 AM = High Life:30 in our book. OK?

Fortunately, we were not depressed for very long as it was test time. The Millionaire staff handed out scantrons and exams. We'd hoped for a blue book and an optional essay question to be Meredith's assistant, but NO DICE. Instead, we got 30 multiple choice general trivia questions for the regular show and 30 questions on movie trivia for movie week. We only needed to pass one for a chance to high-five Regis or (MMMM)Meredith and appear on the tube.

One staffer graded the 800 exams while another awarded t-shirts to the testers in exchange for an impression. The impressions mirrored the group's diversity. Some, like the baby crying performed by a thirty-something lady, were eerily real. An Asian man caused the group to fall-to-pieces with his version of "Go ahead. Make my day." And, a few others got groans. One lady successfully pawned off a flatly delivered "Newman" as a Seinfeld impression.

Thankfully the test results were ready. Drum roll... Houstonist made the cut! Woo hoo!

Forty or so folks from our test session were instructed to complete a written application and return after lunch for a quick interview. The application asked the usual stuff: why do you want to be on the show, what would you do with the money, etc. One question did throw us for a loop, but we handled it. See below.

The interview seemed to be a basic chat to evaluate your personality, sense of humor and to see if you exhibit serial killer tendencies. The years of therapy have helped mask our truly disasterous quirks - just don't look in the basement. We passed and advanced to final screening.

The final step was an on-camera interview. Sure, the interview was the same format as the conference table chat. But, a camera was involved. Unfortunately, the camera was our kryptonite. We think we tanked it. Perhaps next time we can get them to hide the camera behind the TV on a chest-of-drawers.

The Houston group, including Houstonist, an elected official, a former music producer and lost Manhattanite, should receive the final outcome in the mail by the end of the month. We'll keep you posted on our results.

We are now accepting nominations to be our phone-a-friend should we make the show. Drop us a comment to make your case.

There is a guy in Cleveland that beat my donut record [most powdered donuts eaten in three minutes]. We were just in Cleveland, and I called him out. I haven't heard from him, but I'm willing to defend the donut belt if he contacts me.

Did you know how to cook before you enlisted in the Navy?

Yes I did. I've got six Aunts so I knew how to cook. I used to sit and watch them. My mom used to groom me in case I never got married so I could do for myself and fend for myself.

What's your favorite recipe?

I'm a big gumbo dude. I do a lot of that creole stuff. I can make gumbo, jambalaya and all of that from scratch.

You're from Mississippi and once took Rob home [Rob & Big, Season 2]. How often do you get back?

I'll be back in August once the humidity calms down a bit. I'll be at the first home game for my alma mater Stone County High School.

Who's your football team: Ole Miss, Mississippi State or Southern Miss?

Ole Miss. I like Houston Nutt. He's a great coach. And, the only guy from our high school to ever go pro, Stevon Moore, played at Ole Miss.

Are you still in the executive security business?

Not really. I run the business. I've got people who work for me...a staff of 15 folks who do that for me.

But, Miller Lite called me to get my take on protection for their Taste Protector; it protects the flavor of the beer. I'm honored that they asked for my advice on protection.

The Taste Protector ads got pulled following allegations of ethnic stereotyping. Have you seen any protests while you've been on the Taste Protector Tour?

No. You've got to conjoin the product with a person who's actually doing it. The mob guys in the commercials were actors. Bam Bam and I are actually in the protection business. That also makes it easier to put a comic slant on the ads and not offend anyone.

Thanks, Big.

Big and Bam will be out on the town in Houston tomorrow night. They want to meet you. Rules and regulations prevent them from saying where they'll be until they get there. But, Houstonist will be tweeting our way around town while we are with them. Follow Houstonist on Twitter to get updates.

The film has everything you expect from a Michael Bay action movie. Visual effects are stellar yet overblown. Slow motion is used to heighten dramatic tension though not quite with John Woo expertise. And, the good guys are victorious. However, a couple of key points kept us from loving this film.

Revenge of the Fallen borrows characters from other films. The human-like Decepticon, Alice, evokes thoughts of Terminator 3's T-X. And, twin Autobots, Mudflap and Skids, are, as movie goer Jeff Balke put it, "the Jar Jar Binks of Transformers." The filmmakers likely intended the pair to represent two inner-city teenagers but as mini-cars. The execution was horrible. Gold teeth, big "ears," and ebonics? Really? Really?

As willing as you may be to let that slide based on personal interpretation, we dare you to get past the next major fault. In fact, Sam's near death experience made us want to dunk Executive Producer Steven Speilberg's noggin in our bucket of popcorn.

As he tries to save Optimus Prime, Sam is killed by a Decepticon's artillery shell. Sam's spirit makes a trip to heaven where he is met by The Primes - the eldest of the Transformers who also happen to be dead. The Primes decide that Sam's gallantry and good heart make him worthy of resuscitation so he gets a second chance at life. What the? The entire theater of patrons laughed as Transformers 2 nuked the fridge.

Did Speilberg learn nothing from Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and the council of crystal aliens? The viewing public expects popcorn movie plots to be thin, but c'mon, man.

Final verdict: 2.5 stars on a 5 star scale. The fact that we went in with low expectations kept the rating from going much lower. Fans of the first film should see it in a theater because the visual effects will play much better in there than at home.